From...

As I go through the day I think...
Not about the now...Not about the
then...Maybe about the tomorrow...

The voice in my head yells for me
to stop...I can't...I go...The yelling
gets louder...I keep walking...I
walk away from the yesterday...
I walk away from the now...
I hear the cry...I don't care...
Is it from then...Is it from now...
Why should I worry anymore...

I stop at the edge...But where does
it go...I look around...I am alone...
I stand still...It's quite...No sound
is made by the shuffle of my shoes...
No sound is made from the opening
of my screaming mouth...I am
no longer heard...

The voice in my head is all that I
hear...What does it say to me...

'From yesterday comes today...
From today comes tomorrow...
What will come after tomorrow...
Only what you make it...'


mood music:
MIKE BONES

with:
WHAT I HAVE LEFT

The day my heart stood still...

How do you describe the feeling of emptiness
to a crowded room...Of sad to happy...Of
tears to joy...Of doubt to hope...Of hate to love...
Of numb to feeling...Of fear to brave...

The day my heart stands still I will be free...
No emptiness, no sad, no tears,no doubt,
no hate, no numb...But most of all...No fear...

I will be left...I will be forgotten...I will be
my only friend...

For when my heart stands still...I will not be
alone...I will have myself...



I will have myself...

A lotta bit of this and a lotta bit of that

I know...I said I didn't feel like blogging
anymore...I still don't but I really 'F-ed'
up Saturday...

Boy Wonder and I got into an argument...
I said that I wanted to find his father and
slap him...Boy Wonder got upset because
I was comparing him to his father...He said
'HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE
ME TO THAT PIECE OF SHIT! AT LEAST I
WOULD NEVER WALK OUT!'
No...He would never walk out...
I totally feel like a piece of shit...I basically slapped
my son in the face when I said that...He
then tells me he knows his father doesn't want
him and has known that since 3rd grade...He said
that he knows his father never cared...How sad
is that...He then goes on to tell me that he
doesn't care about his father either...So they are
even he says...His dad 'Old Fart' has been there
for him his whole life...Old Fart is all he has
ever known as 'DAD' and that is all that matters
to Boy Wonder...His DAD is there...His DAD is
the one who is there when he needs him...
He wants to meet his father...But only to see what
he looks like...He doesn't want to 'bond' with him
nor does he want to pee on him if he was on fire...

My meds are still not working so I feel double pain...
I can't forgive myself nor can I forget what I said...
I have hurt my son to the core...It kills me...It makes
my heart hurt...I can't take it back...I can't just go
back and erase what came out of my mouth...Alls
I can do is move forward with this on my mind and
pray that it never makes its way out of my mouth
again...

mood music:
FINGER ELEVEN
with:
I'LL KEEP YOUR MEMORY VAGUE

Don't feel like blogging anymore....

Sorry peeps...I'm just not feelin it
any more...It's getting harder for
me to let things out on paper...
Or on computer screen...Even
my random wake me in the night
thoughts are just no longer around...
Guess that's a good thing...

Thanks for stickin with me...I will
see ya around y'all's blogs...

Take care...

The last day...

Finally...Here it is...My last day of work...
I thought it would never get here...The
year went by so fast but this week is
dragging by...

Boy Wonder only has 1 class today then
he is out for the year...He's ready...He
has a party to go to at his ex-girlfriends
house (the one he still likes A LOT!)

I've got a regular day today...All the
cleaning needs to be done today...
Really only dishes need to be scrubbed...
Since we're getting new ceilings and a
whole new serving area there is no need
to scrub anything...It's all going away...
Yesterday the warmers and reach ins
were taken out...It's all so bare now...
Kinda makes me wanna cry...NOT!

Alright...I better get off here and finish
getting myself ready...I get to wear jeans
and my tennis shoes if I want...Yeah...I want...

Y'all have a great day!

mood music:
M.I.A.
with:
PAPER PLANES

Working on Monday...

I'm writing today because I have
to work tomorrow...That's right...
I have to work on Memorial Day
to make up for the snow day we
had back in January...I don't know
why they did just make us work one
of the spring break days...Or they
could have just added an extra day
and if we didn't need it then we could
have it off...How hard is that...WAY
to hard for some people...Oh well...


I wish I was doing well...My depression
is getting worse...My medications aren't
working...I don't wanna change pills because
they are so expensive...I'm on the generic ones
and they are only $12...It's better than $150...
It's just not a good time for me...

Oh well...Life happens...

I hope y'all have a great Memorial Day...

mood music:
SIXX:AM
with:
LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Is it really hump day?

With it being the end of the school year...
We are running low on just about everything
you can think of...Well...Food wise...

It's hard to believe that it's almost over...
Another school year...Another graduating
class...

With the new school getting built and the old
one being demolished the district is selling
some of the stuff at action...We have a dishwasher
machine that hasn't been used in years...I mean
YEARS...They sold it for $1...That's right...$1...
So our maintenance guys were out yesterday sawing
it away from the wall...Getting it ready for the
buyer to pick it up by I think next Friday...Cause if
they don't...It won't be there for long...Workers
are taking out several walls and reshaping the
lunchroom...(I'll have the before and after pictures
at the beginning of the school year) Things are
gonna be totally different...If you wanna see what
has been going on with the school construction you
can go to the website...
www.birdville.k12.tx.us/schools/002/002.html

That should take you right to the front page of
the schools website...I keep forgetting to put a
sign on the back door that says...
'THE NEXT PERSON TO ENTER WILL BE
HANDED A PAIR OF GLOVES AND DIRECTIONS
TO THE SINK...'
It's a revolving door sometimes...

Oh man! I didn't know it was getting this late...I have
to go put my face on and get my lunch together...
Hope y'all have a great day!

mood music:
SPACEHOG
with:
CARRY ON